I get an idea of what was going on? But laughing internally. 20 year old EILEEN! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOUR LIFE DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND GUYS.
I posted this to have a laugh at. So please join and read along. I'm guessing something reminded me of the pain and I had to voice it somewhere back then. CRINGING ARE WE? I AM TOO!
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So these couple of days, I've seemingly relapsed into that horrid state. It was my decision to walk into this mess again. I knew from the moment that I spoke to her that she would bring this pain back. I'm not going to deny it. Curiosity got the best of me. I went through a whole year not knowing. Not knowing anything that had happened. Not knowing whether if he was healthy, doing well in uni, how his life was.. just everything! I actually feel sad even voicing this part of myself out. Because why should I care for someone who didn't. But you know what - I do care, well I did.
Up until July, one of my closest friends told me something that I thought was just so amazing. I honestly don't have the words to voice what I had found out. It slightly placed some respect back, which I had lost for him after what he had done. I backed off basically. I do however, know that I let go because I realised he had changed. I stopped thinking about it. I carried on with my life. I was happy again. No, I wasn't - I was content. I was able to smile without force. I was able to have fun. So much of me had just been taken away from me. I just got back to my old self. It took a while but I proved I could do it not for myself, but for my friends. The ones who sat there and heard my cries. I can honestly say I hated how I put them through that. I hated how we'd go out and I'd just drag down a situation because I let it get to me.
Right now, it kills me to know how it felt. To still know how it still feels. I question why this is still hurting after so long. Yet again, I question why I didn't feel this in the months I did let it go. I know this is just a momentary thing. Hopefully.
I know I did let go of the pain though. From the beginning I cried 3 months straight I'd confide in a friend who eventually became my close friend because of this. I spoke to her almost every single time about this issue when I went out with her. To always sit next to her in her car and cry. Honestly the pain was unbearable. It hurt... it really did. One day it was I who prompted myself to just let go. Stop thinking about it. After that, whenever she and I went out I never mentioned him. Ever. I was happy again. I questioned her "Jenny*, I know stopped talking about him? am I wrong? 'cause I know I did" Jenny agreed. I had stopped. I never spoke about him point on. Just why is this happening now? Why am I feeling this pain again. I did so well. I did. I don't deserve this again.
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