For the past few months I feel like I'm slowly losing a battle to my mind. I project happiness and smiles but internally I'm deteriorating and breaking apart. I want to be genuinely happy and I'm so worried for what I will do and for what I am afraid of not doing.
I want to smile without doing it for the sake of others. I want John to not bear that burden. I don't want to see my best friend cry ever again. I want to just disconnect and try and find a way to reconnect. I want to be alone. As long as everyone can tell I'm happy, then I will be fine.
Life can be unfair. For the time being Eileen, just breathe. Don't let them know you are slowly giving up.
Just post things that remind you, you have not changed. Sorry if I make the wrong decisions.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Imperfection is beauty. Madness is genius. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Friday, January 8, 2016
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Saved draft. Early 20s Eileen, I am judging!
I get an idea of what was going on? But laughing internally. 20 year old EILEEN! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOUR LIFE DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND GUYS.
I posted this to have a laugh at. So please join and read along. I'm guessing something reminded me of the pain and I had to voice it somewhere back then. CRINGING ARE WE? I AM TOO!
______________________
So these couple of days, I've seemingly relapsed into that horrid state. It was my decision to walk into this mess again. I knew from the moment that I spoke to her that she would bring this pain back. I'm not going to deny it. Curiosity got the best of me. I went through a whole year not knowing. Not knowing anything that had happened. Not knowing whether if he was healthy, doing well in uni, how his life was.. just everything! I actually feel sad even voicing this part of myself out. Because why should I care for someone who didn't. But you know what - I do care, well I did.
Up until July, one of my closest friends told me something that I thought was just so amazing. I honestly don't have the words to voice what I had found out. It slightly placed some respect back, which I had lost for him after what he had done. I backed off basically. I do however, know that I let go because I realised he had changed. I stopped thinking about it. I carried on with my life. I was happy again. No, I wasn't - I was content. I was able to smile without force. I was able to have fun. So much of me had just been taken away from me. I just got back to my old self. It took a while but I proved I could do it not for myself, but for my friends. The ones who sat there and heard my cries. I can honestly say I hated how I put them through that. I hated how we'd go out and I'd just drag down a situation because I let it get to me.
Right now, it kills me to know how it felt. To still know how it still feels. I question why this is still hurting after so long. Yet again, I question why I didn't feel this in the months I did let it go. I know this is just a momentary thing. Hopefully.
I know I did let go of the pain though. From the beginning I cried 3 months straight I'd confide in a friend who eventually became my close friend because of this. I spoke to her almost every single time about this issue when I went out with her. To always sit next to her in her car and cry. Honestly the pain was unbearable. It hurt... it really did. One day it was I who prompted myself to just let go. Stop thinking about it. After that, whenever she and I went out I never mentioned him. Ever. I was happy again. I questioned her "Jenny*, I know stopped talking about him? am I wrong? 'cause I know I did" Jenny agreed. I had stopped. I never spoke about him point on. Just why is this happening now? Why am I feeling this pain again. I did so well. I did. I don't deserve this again.
I posted this to have a laugh at. So please join and read along. I'm guessing something reminded me of the pain and I had to voice it somewhere back then. CRINGING ARE WE? I AM TOO!
______________________
So these couple of days, I've seemingly relapsed into that horrid state. It was my decision to walk into this mess again. I knew from the moment that I spoke to her that she would bring this pain back. I'm not going to deny it. Curiosity got the best of me. I went through a whole year not knowing. Not knowing anything that had happened. Not knowing whether if he was healthy, doing well in uni, how his life was.. just everything! I actually feel sad even voicing this part of myself out. Because why should I care for someone who didn't. But you know what - I do care, well I did.
Up until July, one of my closest friends told me something that I thought was just so amazing. I honestly don't have the words to voice what I had found out. It slightly placed some respect back, which I had lost for him after what he had done. I backed off basically. I do however, know that I let go because I realised he had changed. I stopped thinking about it. I carried on with my life. I was happy again. No, I wasn't - I was content. I was able to smile without force. I was able to have fun. So much of me had just been taken away from me. I just got back to my old self. It took a while but I proved I could do it not for myself, but for my friends. The ones who sat there and heard my cries. I can honestly say I hated how I put them through that. I hated how we'd go out and I'd just drag down a situation because I let it get to me.
Right now, it kills me to know how it felt. To still know how it still feels. I question why this is still hurting after so long. Yet again, I question why I didn't feel this in the months I did let it go. I know this is just a momentary thing. Hopefully.
I know I did let go of the pain though. From the beginning I cried 3 months straight I'd confide in a friend who eventually became my close friend because of this. I spoke to her almost every single time about this issue when I went out with her. To always sit next to her in her car and cry. Honestly the pain was unbearable. It hurt... it really did. One day it was I who prompted myself to just let go. Stop thinking about it. After that, whenever she and I went out I never mentioned him. Ever. I was happy again. I questioned her "Jenny*, I know stopped talking about him? am I wrong? 'cause I know I did" Jenny agreed. I had stopped. I never spoke about him point on. Just why is this happening now? Why am I feeling this pain again. I did so well. I did. I don't deserve this again.
Meet John (Minh-Tu)
I feel like I've had a lot happen in the last 3 years. It's such a shame I abandoned this blog. I think the last time I gave it attention when I was still crying over R and went through that peak stage when you want to reassure yourself that everything will be okay.I just double checked my previous blog posts to confirm that. Yup, a very bad time for Eileen.
I wish I could say more has changed but really, I guess the biggest and greatest thing I've had happen since that is that I finally found a person who has made me really happy .Part of me wishes I could have gone back and write early posts of how we met so i can cringe about it in the current time. But better late than never right?
We met because - I was seeing this guy named A. Thought I liked him, saw potential thought we were exclusive. Fell into a stupid trap because he was hot. No Eileen, NO. Decided, man.. I'm single I do whatever the hell I want.I remember my thought at the time I met Anthony was 'Well, since Alex and I aren't exclusive I will just flirt with other guys'..
If Anthony never got my number - I would have never met John.
Hrmm actually no.. I technically met John through Cindy (at a basketball game). He said he was tipsy. I was attracted not interested.
I thought he was 18 because he looked so YOUNG!!!
This post is like a summary of eileen's failed relationships and detailed idea of my life at that point in time. I don't want to forget these memories.
THROUGH A SERIES OF NOT RELATED EVENTS. I got invited to Anthony's 21st where I met John and spoke to him. Thanks to us going to the same Uni, Macquarie! Yeah, yeah!
"HEY, AREN'T YOU CINDY'S FRIEND?"
I have shared so many wonderful moments with this beautiful human. I hope in the near future I can share more photos and adventures that I have experienced with him.
We have been on countless holidays together. I shall put up a Malaysia, HongKong and Thailand post. We are leaving for Bali in less than 2 months! I can't wait.
We have been together for 3 years now. We recently decided we needed an anniversary date. 11/07/2015. We've been seeing each other since 2013 and he never asked me to be his gf (he did once, but in the most awkward place and time so i said no).
I'm so happy. I dated my ex for 6 years and he has never met my parents in the flesh. This guy has met my family, won their hearts and still killing it with them now. I love it!
His mother just asked me a few days ago to marry him. How funny right? His mummah asked me to marry him on his behalf. I said 'YES' LOL. So as of current time we are somehow engaged? He didn't say no. In two years time, we will be married. Bookmarked.
LOVEILEEN x
I wish I could say more has changed but really, I guess the biggest and greatest thing I've had happen since that is that I finally found a person who has made me really happy .Part of me wishes I could have gone back and write early posts of how we met so i can cringe about it in the current time. But better late than never right?
We met because - I was seeing this guy named A. Thought I liked him, saw potential thought we were exclusive. Fell into a stupid trap because he was hot. No Eileen, NO. Decided, man.. I'm single I do whatever the hell I want.I remember my thought at the time I met Anthony was 'Well, since Alex and I aren't exclusive I will just flirt with other guys'..
If Anthony never got my number - I would have never met John.
Hrmm actually no.. I technically met John through Cindy (at a basketball game). He said he was tipsy. I was attracted not interested.
I thought he was 18 because he looked so YOUNG!!!
This post is like a summary of eileen's failed relationships and detailed idea of my life at that point in time. I don't want to forget these memories.
THROUGH A SERIES OF NOT RELATED EVENTS. I got invited to Anthony's 21st where I met John and spoke to him. Thanks to us going to the same Uni, Macquarie! Yeah, yeah!
"HEY, AREN'T YOU CINDY'S FRIEND?"
I have shared so many wonderful moments with this beautiful human. I hope in the near future I can share more photos and adventures that I have experienced with him.
We have been on countless holidays together. I shall put up a Malaysia, HongKong and Thailand post. We are leaving for Bali in less than 2 months! I can't wait.
We have been together for 3 years now. We recently decided we needed an anniversary date. 11/07/2015. We've been seeing each other since 2013 and he never asked me to be his gf (he did once, but in the most awkward place and time so i said no).
I'm so happy. I dated my ex for 6 years and he has never met my parents in the flesh. This guy has met my family, won their hearts and still killing it with them now. I love it!
His mother just asked me a few days ago to marry him. How funny right? His mummah asked me to marry him on his behalf. I said 'YES' LOL. So as of current time we are somehow engaged? He didn't say no. In two years time, we will be married. Bookmarked.
LOVEILEEN x
Monday, January 14, 2013
Another New Beginning
How, dissapointing! My last post ever was March, 2012
I can't believe I missed out on blogging about so many different things.
I can't believe I didn't blog about my twenty-first birthday.
This upsets me a lot.
I can't believe I missed out on blogging about so many different things.
I can't believe I didn't blog about my twenty-first birthday.
This upsets me a lot.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
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